You Know You're a REAL Pet Owner When:

You have ever cut a trip short because your pet might be lonely.
You have decided against a trip because your pet wasn't welcome.
You go to daycare and playdates but have no children
It takes at least two sticky roller sheets to get the hair off of your clothes. And there's still hair you can't get out.
You know what a sticky roller is.
You have found pet hair strange places like your trunk, the pockets of your clothes, or on your underwear.
You sit on the edge of chairs because there's already somebody else sitting there.
You don't move the "somebody else".
You recount stories of the time your pet had the hiccups.
You find stories of other people's hiccuping pets humorous.
There are treats or cookies in your house that aren't for human consumption.
You have ever bought a Christmas/Hanukkah/birthday present for your pet.
Your cellphone's camera is mainly used to photograph your pet.

Your response to an "accident" on the carpet is no longer "Eww!" but "Ugh. Not again."


Not that I would know ANY of this from personal experience....

Cheers,
Red

Bubble Wrap Attack!

So I thought I should do a little follow up on the other day's post.

Kelly is really into bubble wrap for some reason.... I mean REALLY into it. To the point where I have to hide it now because he knows what it is.

I'm not sure what he's doing when he's biting at it. I'm assuming he's actually trying to pop the bubbles but that'd be kind of weird since he is a cat, but I guess you never know. He gets really agressively into it. He jumps around and chompity chomps all of the bubbles.

I don't really care that he's doing this, but I'm not certian that he's not eating the little bits of plastic he's biting off. If it were just a couple of pieces I wouldn't be worried, it's indigestable and it'll just pass through eventually, but I think he has probably eaten a good couple of ounces of plastic at this point.

Because of this behaviour we currently have a sheet of bubble wrap on top of the fridge, one hidden in a closet and one sitting on top of a coat rack.

I also had to hide a box the other day because there was bubble wrap INSIDE of it and Kelly was busily attempting to get the box open so he could eat it. I know that's what he was attempting to do because the box was filled with newly washed dishes and the box itself had been out of the floor the other day and he didn't even pay attention to it.

And for those of you who are going to start pointing fingers and claiming I'm a bad cat-mother and Kelly's doing this because I don't feed him, you have to stop listening to Jame-o. He LIES. A LOT. They have never been without food for more than 12 hours and yet Jame-o starts flipping out whenever the dish isn't completely full. So, no, Kelly is NOT starving and he has no reason to be munching on all this plastic.

He also has no reason to be munching on tin foil which is apparently what he did after I hid all of the bubble wrap. I had a folded up square of tin foil in the living room (there is a reason for this and it's not that I'm storing it in there) and when AV and I came back from dinner the living room was strewn with little bits of silver foil.

Thanks, cat, thanks a lot.

So now I have to make sure all bubble wrap is hidden as well as any tin foil. Maybe I should just get a really giant plastic hampster ball so Kelly can run around and not get himself into so much trouble... But then again he might just try to eat it. Or possibly just shread it.

Cheers,
Red

Dear Spammers,

I'm getting pretty fed up with all the spam emails I've been getting lately. Obviously my email address got on some list somewhere because the Internet Gods have bestowed upon me the gift of "enlarge your penis".

But on the flip side, I have gotten some pretty humorous emails lately. The "Hi my name is X, I want to share my wealth" variety of emails. But I'm pretty sure those emails aren't supposed to be humorous exactly, I think it's a problem somewhere along the lines of "I only just yesterday learned to speak English".

But really, if you're going to try to scam me into giving you money, can you please proof read your emails first? Preferably by a native English speaker? Because I seriously have no clue what you are trying to say...

Example:
"I am a very good woman with all cost I don't know much and care about people, since when I had an experience of my difficulty to sleep and give rest"

Um... what? What is "give rest"? You couldn't sleep anymore? You couldn't put other people to sleep? You couldn't give anybody a spoon rest?

I need a spam mail decoder. Maybe they put those in cereal boxes nowadays.

Cheers,
Red

PS. Don't worry I'm not opening any attachments or following any links in any of these spam emails I'm getting, I know about computer viruses. I'm only sending out my address and social security number, I'm sure it'll work out.

No One is Immune to the Allure of Bubble Wrap!

We received a belated bridal shower gift from AV's parents the other day (only the best bowl/plates ever!). Because the box held dishes, it was also filled with bubble wrap. While we were trying to work on organizing the dining room, we tossed the bubble wrap on the floor as we cleaned.

I left the room for a while to make dinner and when I came back I noticed something AWESOME. Ned Kelly was busily popping bubbles! He was climbing in, on, and around the sheet of bubble wrap biting the bubbles!

The best part about this was the fact that he was PURRING the entire time. Loudly.

Misters Kelly, Jones, and James  have succumbed to the bubble wrap effect

After I stopped filming, Skippy got in on the action and proceeded to pounce at the bubble wrap and viciously chomp on it.

Cheers,
Red

Air > Water... Apparently

AV and I went to visit my college roommate over Labor Day weekend. Friday afternoon we went to the Auburn Cord Duesenburg Museum in Auburn, Indiana. They had a fabulous collection of original and restored automobiles. Some of those vehicles were over a hundred years old, which was pretty fantastic in itself.

My college roommate lives on a lake in Northern Indiana and we spent the day on Saturday out on the water. I got to go out on a jet-ski, which was AWESOME. The only problem, which I did not realize until later, was the fact that I apparently don't really know how to RIDE a jet-ski...

Through a combination of not knowing what I was doing, trying not to fall off, and trying to go as fast as physically possible, I ended up with horribly sore thighs and knees the rest of the weekend. This wasn't really a big deal... except for when I had to use the bathroom. Toilet seats are much lower than you would think they are....

While I was burning through gas on the jet-ski, everybody else was out tubing. This  was actually the reason I was on the jet-ski... we had a few too many people for the boat's capacity so I reluctantly* agreed to hold off on tubing.

After an hour or so, a couple of my roommate's friends switched with me on the jet-ski and I took a turn out on the tubes.

Let's set the scene here.... My roommate grew up on the lake, so things like tubing are kind of boring. This means that we had five tubes being pulled behind the boat at any one time. And the boat was being driven by a mad-man. I'm sure his intention wasn't murder, but it was something very close...

Somehow I ended up upside-down under somebody else's tube... Like a little tumble weed, I flipped end over end and almost lost my pants. And yes, while water was being sucked up my nose, I was thinking about what I was going to do if my pants went "peace-out". I also learned an important lesson... my lungs don't appreciate lake water. At all. Like to the point that I spent the next fifteen minutes almost puking.

Sexy.

I couldn't keep up this extremely sexy persona all weekend though, Sunday and Monday were pretty cold and rainy.

Oh well, there's always next year!

Cheers,
Red


*Yeah, like a dog "reluctantly" eats that sandwich you just accidentally dropped on the floor.

Drive Me... Where?

We are going to my college roommate's house this weekend in Indiana. I went to look up the address and Google couldn't find it. That's okay, I can use Mapquest. I typed in the address and Mapquest told me it couldn't find it either.

So it gave me driving directions to the middle of Nebraska.

I'm sorry, but that's not an acceptable substitute.

Cheers,
Red

Daniel Boone: Vicious Beast

AV and I had to take Dannie and Skippyjon to the vet on Monday. Last time Dannie had to go to the vet I had to take him all by myself. It was awful.

We had just adopted him and had no real idea about his background. We didn't notice until after we got him home that he is a "munchkin", which is actually a genetic mutation which makes his legs shorter than a normal cat. This also means that he is predisposed to hip and joint problems. Not only did I find this out, I also found out that the vet was afraid that our new buddy might have been exposed to feline leukemia* AND that he was actually an older cat than we were led to believe.

Obviously all of this was very hard for me to take all by myself. This, coupled with the fact that our little sweetheart became a hissing, spitting beast who had to be muzzled for the vet's safety, meant that I absolutely did NOT want to have to go to the vet with him alone again.

AV was running late at work so I got out the cat carriers. Skippy has a cool trick, his only trick really. When you get out his carrier and tap on the top he hops right in. Daniel however, does not have this particular cool trick.

Sitting on Skippy's head.

I got out the second crate. He wouldn't get in. I pushed his butt. He wouldn't get in. I put some cat treats in there. He wouldn't get in. Fine then. Last time I took Kelly and Jess to the vet, neither one of them would get in their crates so they just both just wore their harnesses. Same treatment for Daniel.

When AV got home, we hopped in the car and were treated to THIS for the entire ride.



You can't hear it, but Dannie is actually causing Skipp to cry too. He's in his crate in the back making little sad baby noises.

We got to the vet and Skipp was checked out first. He did the normal "OMG I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT OF MY HOUSE" game, but AV and the vet took the crate apart. Quick, easy.

Now on to Dannie. The entire time I had been holding him. I tried to put him on the exam table when we got there but he started growling so I picked him back up again. I sat down with him in my lap and when it was his turn he growled at me as I managed to lift him up and get him to the table.

His feet touched the table and the gloves came off.

He became a wild, vicious beast. He growled, hissed, kicked and tried to bite. The vet put his towel over his head and called in the vet tech. Together they struggled to hold him to give him his shots. His back end was sticking out of the towel and he was spinning about like a whirling dervish.

"He doesn't still have claws, does he?" the vet tech asked at one point.

"Oh... he has all of them still... So you might want to watch out..." I responded.

Good luck, ladies.

They finally got all of the shots into his furry rear end and he continued to growl and yowl under the blanket. When it was time to leave, I tried to scoop him up again. He was growling again.

Back in the car, he acted like everything was normal and he had never made a scene in his life.

He seemed fairly normal all afternoon and evening, but he spent all of Tuesday like this:

So tired.

Becoming a vicious beast really takes it out of a guy.

The worst part is that we have to go back again in a month because he still needs to get part two of a set of shots. Jess and Kelly have to go then too to get leukemia shots. So that'll be fun....

Cheers,
Red

*He was tested. We're kitty leukemia free.

Fantastic Ugtastic: Episode 2

Our star of Fantastic Ugtastic today is Darling Daniel.

Nice junk, buddy.

Cheers,
Red

First, You Cut a Hole in the Box....

For a shortened version of this "situation" read "Mail time blues" posted by AV earlier today (and unbeknownst to me!)


Let's play a little game of "Hypothetically Speaking"

Situation 1:
So, hypothetically, you receive a fairly large box from UPS. The box is from Dell and you haven't ordered anything from there. You look at the box and notice the name on the label is not your own. Next, you look at the address. It is also not your own.

Situation 2:
Again, hypothetically speaking, you receive a fairly large box from UPS. The box is from a store called "Chaparrell Racing" and you haven't ordered anything from there. You look at the box and notice the name on the label is not your own. The address is where you are currently living but you only just moved in a few days ago and you know it was rented to someone else prior to you.

SO. What do you do in each of these situations?

A. Call the company that sent it.
B. Call UPS
C. Leave the box outside and assume UPS will come back and take care of it.

If you answered with either of these three options, you are clearly NOT the people who have been receiving our packages.

However, if you answered with option D: OPEN THE MOTHER F-CKING BOX, WOOOOO!! We need to have a little chat.


Let's check back in on Situation 1.

Last year, AV ordered a netbook from Dell. They sent it UPS and the package required a signature. The UPS driver was confused and dropped the package off at a house on a different street with the same house number as us. Honest mistake.

But what about the SIGNATURE part?? Every time I've gotten a package that I have to sign for the delivery guy goes "Are you (name on box)?" or just simply "(name on box)?" I either respond with, "Yeah", "No, but he lives here", or "Um, no....?" The guy then either lets me sign the sheet or he goes away and takes the box with him.

So obviously the delivery guy either went "Sign here" and the recipient went "Okie dokie" or didn't actually get anything signed. Still fairly honest mistake, this can be fixed.

BUT.

When the delivery guy finally figured out the mistake and went back for the package, it HAD ALREADY BEEN OPENED. Remember options A through C? Clearly whoever took the box didn't either.

So we ended up receiving an expensive piece of electronic equipment that had ALREADY BEEN OPENED and TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BOX.

Um, thanks but NO. When I order something for THAT MUCH MONEY it should be in the original packaging and it should come to MY house.

Then AV had to call Dell and we got a new computer sent to us, because, duh, "Do not accept package if opened or damaged".


Now on to Situation 2.

Months ago AV ordered some safety equipment from a racing company so we could ride dirt bikes. One of the items was back ordered and was supposed to be sent separately. That's fine. Months and months and MONTHS passed. The company finally called AV and asked if it was cool if they substituted a more expensive piece of equipment for the one he had originally ordered, um heck yes! While on this call, AV also told the company that we had moved and that they needed to ship the box to our NEW address, which he then provided.

Our lease ended and we were 100% moved out. While fighting for our full security deposit from the landlord via email, she mentioned that we had received a box at the house. Where we no longer lived. Which AV had specifically told the company NOT to send anything to. AV asked for the box and the landlord responded with "Last I saw it, it was in the garage on the freezer".

Um, WHAT?

So, the landlord KNEW that WE received a box but didn't bother to hold it for us? She just left it for the new tenants to keep? WTH?

And thus began a ridiculous situation.

AV called the company and told them we hadn't received our package. They said they had sent it, call UPS. Called UPS they said it had been delivered to the address provided by the company. Called the company again, told them it was delivered to the wrong location, they told him to call UPS back, and tell them that we never got the box, AV said no. Called company again, told the same thing (FYI what they were asking us to do is called FRAUD). Called a THIRD time and the company said they would take care of it, "do you still want this item?" Um YES? WE PAID FOR IT ALREADY???

The other day AV got a call from UPS. "We have recovered the package." Pause. "But it's been opened".

WHAT THE HELL???

So, did the landlord just go, "Yeah that package is for the previous tenants but I'm pissed at them, so have at it!"??

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP OPENING OUR MAIL???

Stop touching my stuff!!! LEAVE MY MAIL ALOOOONEEE!!!

Come ON people! Use options A, B, or C. Option D is called "being an a**hole"

I am NOT happy. In fact, I am currently wearing my Angry Pants, that's how NOT happy I am.

Cheers,
Red

Mail time blues..

For a longer version of this "situation" read "First You Cut a Hole in the Box..." as posted by Red.


Apparently getting packages delivered up here in Michigan is a bit harder than the three other states I have lived in. So let us take a moment to think about a hypothetical situation. Imagine for a moment that a package arrives at your door. You excitedly bring it in and to your dismay it is addressed to someone else at a completely different address. Like most people you set it back outside on the porch and call UPS/FedEx that this is not your package or go deliver the few houses down where it is addressed.

See that is what I thought until my computer was delivered a few houses down the street. The person who signed for my computer at the wrong house decided to open the package and then start using the laptop. After sorting out with Dell and FedEx over what happened my computer was retrieved by FedEx and delivered to my porch without a knock. The computer had been sort of stuffed back into the box with a crude taping job over the "do not accept if seal broken" tape. Now Dell first had to ask me 20 questions about how the computer was functioning before agreeing to send me a new laptop, simply for the fact that I paid for a new laptop and not a used by the neighbor down the street laptop.

So to add to the package failures so far this year. I purchased a roost deflector* and the shipping got completely screwed up because the product was on back order and I moved. So after almost a month, my package was finally "recovered" from my last address and is on it's way now. Unfortunately the driver had informed me that the package had been opened but she thinks everything is in the box still. I guess we will see tomorrow when it arrives.

Does anyone else think it is weird and inappropriate to open a package not addressed to you? I'm not just going to think that the random dell package not addressed to me is mine to play with. This isn't finders keepers.

People can be a mystery sometimes. Let me know if I am being unreasonable....

*This is a piece of safety equipment for dirt biking