The Handyman

With the exception of the shelves in the basement that we put up without a problem, every project we have done doesn't go exactly as planned.

Putting insulation in the crawl space. Two trips to the hardware store and never ending cleaning.
Installing a new sink. Three trips to the hardware store and two full days of work rather than a few hours.
Lastly rounding out the latest projects, taking down the old shower doors and installing a shower curtain rod. Only two trips to the hardware store and an extra day.

Today I got a call that our new windows are in. This should be an exciting project. If I had to place a bet, I would say no less than five trips to the hardware store will do for such a big project. I can pretty much assure you it will take more than the estimated weekend.

Mini-Seamstresses

I am working on sewing the bridesmaids' dresses for our wedding in November. Its not going so well because you have to get certian points exactly spot on or they get weird folds.

But it's okay. The Seamstress Brigade is helping me out.

Regretfully, they're not the best tailors around... they kind of just spew cat hair everywhere and sit on things. Maybe I need to look around for some new helpers.

Possibly the kind that have thumbs.

Cheers,

Red

You Know You're a REAL Pet Owner When:

You have ever cut a trip short because your pet might be lonely.
You have decided against a trip because your pet wasn't welcome.
You go to daycare and playdates but have no children
It takes at least two sticky roller sheets to get the hair off of your clothes. And there's still hair you can't get out.
You know what a sticky roller is.
You have found pet hair strange places like your trunk, the pockets of your clothes, or on your underwear.
You sit on the edge of chairs because there's already somebody else sitting there.
You don't move the "somebody else".
You recount stories of the time your pet had the hiccups.
You find stories of other people's hiccuping pets humorous.
There are treats or cookies in your house that aren't for human consumption.
You have ever bought a Christmas/Hanukkah/birthday present for your pet.
Your cellphone's camera is mainly used to photograph your pet.

Your response to an "accident" on the carpet is no longer "Eww!" but "Ugh. Not again."


Not that I would know ANY of this from personal experience....

Cheers,
Red

Bubble Wrap Attack!

So I thought I should do a little follow up on the other day's post.

Kelly is really into bubble wrap for some reason.... I mean REALLY into it. To the point where I have to hide it now because he knows what it is.

I'm not sure what he's doing when he's biting at it. I'm assuming he's actually trying to pop the bubbles but that'd be kind of weird since he is a cat, but I guess you never know. He gets really agressively into it. He jumps around and chompity chomps all of the bubbles.

I don't really care that he's doing this, but I'm not certian that he's not eating the little bits of plastic he's biting off. If it were just a couple of pieces I wouldn't be worried, it's indigestable and it'll just pass through eventually, but I think he has probably eaten a good couple of ounces of plastic at this point.

Because of this behaviour we currently have a sheet of bubble wrap on top of the fridge, one hidden in a closet and one sitting on top of a coat rack.

I also had to hide a box the other day because there was bubble wrap INSIDE of it and Kelly was busily attempting to get the box open so he could eat it. I know that's what he was attempting to do because the box was filled with newly washed dishes and the box itself had been out of the floor the other day and he didn't even pay attention to it.

And for those of you who are going to start pointing fingers and claiming I'm a bad cat-mother and Kelly's doing this because I don't feed him, you have to stop listening to Jame-o. He LIES. A LOT. They have never been without food for more than 12 hours and yet Jame-o starts flipping out whenever the dish isn't completely full. So, no, Kelly is NOT starving and he has no reason to be munching on all this plastic.

He also has no reason to be munching on tin foil which is apparently what he did after I hid all of the bubble wrap. I had a folded up square of tin foil in the living room (there is a reason for this and it's not that I'm storing it in there) and when AV and I came back from dinner the living room was strewn with little bits of silver foil.

Thanks, cat, thanks a lot.

So now I have to make sure all bubble wrap is hidden as well as any tin foil. Maybe I should just get a really giant plastic hampster ball so Kelly can run around and not get himself into so much trouble... But then again he might just try to eat it. Or possibly just shread it.

Cheers,
Red

Dear Spammers,

I'm getting pretty fed up with all the spam emails I've been getting lately. Obviously my email address got on some list somewhere because the Internet Gods have bestowed upon me the gift of "enlarge your penis".

But on the flip side, I have gotten some pretty humorous emails lately. The "Hi my name is X, I want to share my wealth" variety of emails. But I'm pretty sure those emails aren't supposed to be humorous exactly, I think it's a problem somewhere along the lines of "I only just yesterday learned to speak English".

But really, if you're going to try to scam me into giving you money, can you please proof read your emails first? Preferably by a native English speaker? Because I seriously have no clue what you are trying to say...

Example:
"I am a very good woman with all cost I don't know much and care about people, since when I had an experience of my difficulty to sleep and give rest"

Um... what? What is "give rest"? You couldn't sleep anymore? You couldn't put other people to sleep? You couldn't give anybody a spoon rest?

I need a spam mail decoder. Maybe they put those in cereal boxes nowadays.

Cheers,
Red

PS. Don't worry I'm not opening any attachments or following any links in any of these spam emails I'm getting, I know about computer viruses. I'm only sending out my address and social security number, I'm sure it'll work out.

No One is Immune to the Allure of Bubble Wrap!

We received a belated bridal shower gift from AV's parents the other day (only the best bowl/plates ever!). Because the box held dishes, it was also filled with bubble wrap. While we were trying to work on organizing the dining room, we tossed the bubble wrap on the floor as we cleaned.

I left the room for a while to make dinner and when I came back I noticed something AWESOME. Ned Kelly was busily popping bubbles! He was climbing in, on, and around the sheet of bubble wrap biting the bubbles!

The best part about this was the fact that he was PURRING the entire time. Loudly.

Misters Kelly, Jones, and James  have succumbed to the bubble wrap effect

After I stopped filming, Skippy got in on the action and proceeded to pounce at the bubble wrap and viciously chomp on it.

Cheers,
Red

Air > Water... Apparently

AV and I went to visit my college roommate over Labor Day weekend. Friday afternoon we went to the Auburn Cord Duesenburg Museum in Auburn, Indiana. They had a fabulous collection of original and restored automobiles. Some of those vehicles were over a hundred years old, which was pretty fantastic in itself.

My college roommate lives on a lake in Northern Indiana and we spent the day on Saturday out on the water. I got to go out on a jet-ski, which was AWESOME. The only problem, which I did not realize until later, was the fact that I apparently don't really know how to RIDE a jet-ski...

Through a combination of not knowing what I was doing, trying not to fall off, and trying to go as fast as physically possible, I ended up with horribly sore thighs and knees the rest of the weekend. This wasn't really a big deal... except for when I had to use the bathroom. Toilet seats are much lower than you would think they are....

While I was burning through gas on the jet-ski, everybody else was out tubing. This  was actually the reason I was on the jet-ski... we had a few too many people for the boat's capacity so I reluctantly* agreed to hold off on tubing.

After an hour or so, a couple of my roommate's friends switched with me on the jet-ski and I took a turn out on the tubes.

Let's set the scene here.... My roommate grew up on the lake, so things like tubing are kind of boring. This means that we had five tubes being pulled behind the boat at any one time. And the boat was being driven by a mad-man. I'm sure his intention wasn't murder, but it was something very close...

Somehow I ended up upside-down under somebody else's tube... Like a little tumble weed, I flipped end over end and almost lost my pants. And yes, while water was being sucked up my nose, I was thinking about what I was going to do if my pants went "peace-out". I also learned an important lesson... my lungs don't appreciate lake water. At all. Like to the point that I spent the next fifteen minutes almost puking.

Sexy.

I couldn't keep up this extremely sexy persona all weekend though, Sunday and Monday were pretty cold and rainy.

Oh well, there's always next year!

Cheers,
Red


*Yeah, like a dog "reluctantly" eats that sandwich you just accidentally dropped on the floor.

Drive Me... Where?

We are going to my college roommate's house this weekend in Indiana. I went to look up the address and Google couldn't find it. That's okay, I can use Mapquest. I typed in the address and Mapquest told me it couldn't find it either.

So it gave me driving directions to the middle of Nebraska.

I'm sorry, but that's not an acceptable substitute.

Cheers,
Red

Daniel Boone: Vicious Beast

AV and I had to take Dannie and Skippyjon to the vet on Monday. Last time Dannie had to go to the vet I had to take him all by myself. It was awful.

We had just adopted him and had no real idea about his background. We didn't notice until after we got him home that he is a "munchkin", which is actually a genetic mutation which makes his legs shorter than a normal cat. This also means that he is predisposed to hip and joint problems. Not only did I find this out, I also found out that the vet was afraid that our new buddy might have been exposed to feline leukemia* AND that he was actually an older cat than we were led to believe.

Obviously all of this was very hard for me to take all by myself. This, coupled with the fact that our little sweetheart became a hissing, spitting beast who had to be muzzled for the vet's safety, meant that I absolutely did NOT want to have to go to the vet with him alone again.

AV was running late at work so I got out the cat carriers. Skippy has a cool trick, his only trick really. When you get out his carrier and tap on the top he hops right in. Daniel however, does not have this particular cool trick.

Sitting on Skippy's head.

I got out the second crate. He wouldn't get in. I pushed his butt. He wouldn't get in. I put some cat treats in there. He wouldn't get in. Fine then. Last time I took Kelly and Jess to the vet, neither one of them would get in their crates so they just both just wore their harnesses. Same treatment for Daniel.

When AV got home, we hopped in the car and were treated to THIS for the entire ride.



You can't hear it, but Dannie is actually causing Skipp to cry too. He's in his crate in the back making little sad baby noises.

We got to the vet and Skipp was checked out first. He did the normal "OMG I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT OF MY HOUSE" game, but AV and the vet took the crate apart. Quick, easy.

Now on to Dannie. The entire time I had been holding him. I tried to put him on the exam table when we got there but he started growling so I picked him back up again. I sat down with him in my lap and when it was his turn he growled at me as I managed to lift him up and get him to the table.

His feet touched the table and the gloves came off.

He became a wild, vicious beast. He growled, hissed, kicked and tried to bite. The vet put his towel over his head and called in the vet tech. Together they struggled to hold him to give him his shots. His back end was sticking out of the towel and he was spinning about like a whirling dervish.

"He doesn't still have claws, does he?" the vet tech asked at one point.

"Oh... he has all of them still... So you might want to watch out..." I responded.

Good luck, ladies.

They finally got all of the shots into his furry rear end and he continued to growl and yowl under the blanket. When it was time to leave, I tried to scoop him up again. He was growling again.

Back in the car, he acted like everything was normal and he had never made a scene in his life.

He seemed fairly normal all afternoon and evening, but he spent all of Tuesday like this:

So tired.

Becoming a vicious beast really takes it out of a guy.

The worst part is that we have to go back again in a month because he still needs to get part two of a set of shots. Jess and Kelly have to go then too to get leukemia shots. So that'll be fun....

Cheers,
Red

*He was tested. We're kitty leukemia free.

Fantastic Ugtastic: Episode 2

Our star of Fantastic Ugtastic today is Darling Daniel.

Nice junk, buddy.

Cheers,
Red

First, You Cut a Hole in the Box....

For a shortened version of this "situation" read "Mail time blues" posted by AV earlier today (and unbeknownst to me!)


Let's play a little game of "Hypothetically Speaking"

Situation 1:
So, hypothetically, you receive a fairly large box from UPS. The box is from Dell and you haven't ordered anything from there. You look at the box and notice the name on the label is not your own. Next, you look at the address. It is also not your own.

Situation 2:
Again, hypothetically speaking, you receive a fairly large box from UPS. The box is from a store called "Chaparrell Racing" and you haven't ordered anything from there. You look at the box and notice the name on the label is not your own. The address is where you are currently living but you only just moved in a few days ago and you know it was rented to someone else prior to you.

SO. What do you do in each of these situations?

A. Call the company that sent it.
B. Call UPS
C. Leave the box outside and assume UPS will come back and take care of it.

If you answered with either of these three options, you are clearly NOT the people who have been receiving our packages.

However, if you answered with option D: OPEN THE MOTHER F-CKING BOX, WOOOOO!! We need to have a little chat.


Let's check back in on Situation 1.

Last year, AV ordered a netbook from Dell. They sent it UPS and the package required a signature. The UPS driver was confused and dropped the package off at a house on a different street with the same house number as us. Honest mistake.

But what about the SIGNATURE part?? Every time I've gotten a package that I have to sign for the delivery guy goes "Are you (name on box)?" or just simply "(name on box)?" I either respond with, "Yeah", "No, but he lives here", or "Um, no....?" The guy then either lets me sign the sheet or he goes away and takes the box with him.

So obviously the delivery guy either went "Sign here" and the recipient went "Okie dokie" or didn't actually get anything signed. Still fairly honest mistake, this can be fixed.

BUT.

When the delivery guy finally figured out the mistake and went back for the package, it HAD ALREADY BEEN OPENED. Remember options A through C? Clearly whoever took the box didn't either.

So we ended up receiving an expensive piece of electronic equipment that had ALREADY BEEN OPENED and TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BOX.

Um, thanks but NO. When I order something for THAT MUCH MONEY it should be in the original packaging and it should come to MY house.

Then AV had to call Dell and we got a new computer sent to us, because, duh, "Do not accept package if opened or damaged".


Now on to Situation 2.

Months ago AV ordered some safety equipment from a racing company so we could ride dirt bikes. One of the items was back ordered and was supposed to be sent separately. That's fine. Months and months and MONTHS passed. The company finally called AV and asked if it was cool if they substituted a more expensive piece of equipment for the one he had originally ordered, um heck yes! While on this call, AV also told the company that we had moved and that they needed to ship the box to our NEW address, which he then provided.

Our lease ended and we were 100% moved out. While fighting for our full security deposit from the landlord via email, she mentioned that we had received a box at the house. Where we no longer lived. Which AV had specifically told the company NOT to send anything to. AV asked for the box and the landlord responded with "Last I saw it, it was in the garage on the freezer".

Um, WHAT?

So, the landlord KNEW that WE received a box but didn't bother to hold it for us? She just left it for the new tenants to keep? WTH?

And thus began a ridiculous situation.

AV called the company and told them we hadn't received our package. They said they had sent it, call UPS. Called UPS they said it had been delivered to the address provided by the company. Called the company again, told them it was delivered to the wrong location, they told him to call UPS back, and tell them that we never got the box, AV said no. Called company again, told the same thing (FYI what they were asking us to do is called FRAUD). Called a THIRD time and the company said they would take care of it, "do you still want this item?" Um YES? WE PAID FOR IT ALREADY???

The other day AV got a call from UPS. "We have recovered the package." Pause. "But it's been opened".

WHAT THE HELL???

So, did the landlord just go, "Yeah that package is for the previous tenants but I'm pissed at them, so have at it!"??

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP OPENING OUR MAIL???

Stop touching my stuff!!! LEAVE MY MAIL ALOOOONEEE!!!

Come ON people! Use options A, B, or C. Option D is called "being an a**hole"

I am NOT happy. In fact, I am currently wearing my Angry Pants, that's how NOT happy I am.

Cheers,
Red

Mail time blues..

For a longer version of this "situation" read "First You Cut a Hole in the Box..." as posted by Red.


Apparently getting packages delivered up here in Michigan is a bit harder than the three other states I have lived in. So let us take a moment to think about a hypothetical situation. Imagine for a moment that a package arrives at your door. You excitedly bring it in and to your dismay it is addressed to someone else at a completely different address. Like most people you set it back outside on the porch and call UPS/FedEx that this is not your package or go deliver the few houses down where it is addressed.

See that is what I thought until my computer was delivered a few houses down the street. The person who signed for my computer at the wrong house decided to open the package and then start using the laptop. After sorting out with Dell and FedEx over what happened my computer was retrieved by FedEx and delivered to my porch without a knock. The computer had been sort of stuffed back into the box with a crude taping job over the "do not accept if seal broken" tape. Now Dell first had to ask me 20 questions about how the computer was functioning before agreeing to send me a new laptop, simply for the fact that I paid for a new laptop and not a used by the neighbor down the street laptop.

So to add to the package failures so far this year. I purchased a roost deflector* and the shipping got completely screwed up because the product was on back order and I moved. So after almost a month, my package was finally "recovered" from my last address and is on it's way now. Unfortunately the driver had informed me that the package had been opened but she thinks everything is in the box still. I guess we will see tomorrow when it arrives.

Does anyone else think it is weird and inappropriate to open a package not addressed to you? I'm not just going to think that the random dell package not addressed to me is mine to play with. This isn't finders keepers.

People can be a mystery sometimes. Let me know if I am being unreasonable....

*This is a piece of safety equipment for dirt biking

Daniel "Obsessive Compulsive" Boone

Daniel Boone is a good little buddy* but he has one super weird habit. He appears to be slightly obsessive compulsive when it comes to being held.

Unlike Jame-o, Dannie CANNOT be held like a baby. If he even starts to think that you're going to turn him upside down he starts getting upset. But the real weirdness comes when you pick him up to hold him. He likes to be held where he can put his front feet on your shoulder. Your LEFT shoulder. If you pick him up pointing to the right, he will push off of you, turn around, and snuggle up to the left side.

I think he might have some localized hip or back problems on the one side so he gets pinched or something when you hold him "wrong".

Or possibly he's just a little OCD kitty.

I'll probably never know since he doesn't speak English and I have yet to figure out what "MRAH!" means.

Cheers,
Red

*except for when he is peeing on the floor, at which point he is an a**hole

Cinderella Kitty Does His Chores: For REALs

Today I mopped the basement. It's awful down there, especially after all the work we've been doing. It's just dusty and there are dirty footprints everywhere. So I scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed. Of course I didn't do this alone.

Kelly is BIG on helping.

He likes to help in the bathroom: "What are you doing on that seat? Is there something IN there? CAN I SEE??"

He likes to help in the kitchen: "What are you doing up there? Can I touch that??"

He likes to help in the bedroom: "Are you asleep? Are you awake now? What are you doing in there? Can I sit there? Play with me?"

He likes to help in the office: "What are you looking at? Can I sit up there? Can I touch that? Can I do what you're doing? Play with me?"

But mostly, Kelly likes to help mop the floors. He likes to chase the mop back and forth and jump on it. But of course it's wet and when he touches it he freaks out and runs and hides. After nursing his "wounds" he likes to come back and watch some more.

Kelly's FAVORITE thing to do is lay on the wet floors after they've been mopped. I HATE that he does this. Not only does it screw up the clean floor, but it also gets cleaning products all over him. I use Lysol or Fabuloso, it's diluted in the water but that doesn't mean that little children should be in it. The problem is in the fact that he has to clean himself after he sprawls out in the dampness. This always makes me nervous because I don't want him to get sick from the chemicals.

If I try to get him out of the way he hides where I can't get him. If I CAN manage to get him out of where I'm working, he sneaks back in when the floor is ALMOST dry.... but not quite.

He's really not as helpful as he likes to think he is.

Cheers,
Red

Cinderella Kitty Does His Chores

Cinderella Kitty is the first to wake every morning. He has many, many chores to do. When the sun begins to rise, he slowly opens his eyes and gets ready for his day.

Cinderella Kitty rises with the sun.

First, Cinderella Kitty heads into the bathroom. His ugly brothers are very dirty and he has to scrub and scrub and scrub the tub. Even though Cinderella Kitty has worked very hard, when his brothers see the newly cleaned bathroom, they tell him it is not good enough! So, Cinderella Kitty sighs and gets back to work while his brothers watch him and make sure he does the job to their liking.

Cinderella Kitty's brothers watch him work.

After cleaning the bathroom, Cinderella Kitty wakes up his Uncle and begins his work on laundering the linens. Cinderella Kitty's Uncle is very particular and likes to inspect all of Cinderella Kitty's work. The sheets must be done just-so or Cinderella Kitty must re-do them.

Cinderella Kitty's Uncle inspects the laundry

Next, Cinderella Kitty starts working on making lunch for his brothers and uncle. He makes a delicious meat pizza and watches as everyone eats.

Cinderella Kitty watches as everyone eats the delicious food he has made.

Cinderella Kitty is not allowed to eat with his brothers and uncle. He eats alone after everyone else is done. They have eaten all of the pizza so Cinderella Kitty makes himself some toast and reads a magazine.

Cinderella Kitty reads a magazine as he eats alone.

 After lunch, Cinderella Kitty vacuums and mops the floors. He rolls around on the damp ground just for good measure. As the day is nearing a close, Cinderella Kitty makes a few final checks around the house. He needs to make sure that everything is clean and in order for the next day. He knows his family does not like it when things are out of place.

Cinderella Kitty inspects the house at the end of the day.

The day is finally over for Cinderella Kitty. With everything in its rightful place and his family tucked into their beds, Cinderella Kitty can finally rest. He first takes a quick bath. It is very relaxing after all of the work he has done today.

Cinderella Kitty relaxes with a bath.

Clean and tired, Cinderella Kitty climbs up to his small room and curls up for sleep. He knows he must sleep well, for tomorrow will only bring more work for him.

Cinderella Kitty curls up for sleep.



Good night, Cinderella Kitty.

---

Cheers,

Red

The Garage Sale

I want to discuss the garage sale. This is a very important tool used by many households to make a few bucks and get rid of extra stuff.There are some inherent rules to stick to when having a garage sale.

The Rules
1. Everything being sold is something you were planning on donating or throwing away
2. It should last no more than one weekend
3. If you think it is actually worth something then put it on ebay
4. Have some idea what the stuff is
5. Very small signs pointing in the general direction

Now I have been to tons of garage sales that break one or two of these rules, but in particular one so called garage sale is annoying me.

Near work I stopped at a garage sale that had nothing under five dollars and no real prices marked on anything. It was obvious he was collecting and obtaining items just to have a garage sale. This particular sale had been going on every weekend for two months straight. I finally stopped when I saw a table full of instruments, I asked about one particularly beat up marching french horn (marked as a rare trumpet) and he said he was asking five hundred for it, I laughed a little out loud.

So far this garage sale has broken every rule, except for the last one...........wait he has permanent neon spray painted signs that he covers with trash bags during the week....so yes he breaks every one of the rules.

No more shall his be called a garage sale! It shall be called a crappy roadside store with only weekend hours.

PS Red is King of the Garage Sale with the $25 snow blower.

All the commotion

So you have heard about our little bat problem. Apparently talking with people at work this is a very common problem in this area. Our house now hopefully has one way bat exits on all the points that looked like they could get in. As I write at the moment I cannot hear any bats in the walls or ceiling.

Now to address this first bat that supposedly came into the house, I maintain that I was asleep and it was a dream. The second bat just proved that Red did not need my assistance at all, and just wanted to lock me in a room with the bat. I am pretty sure Red's plan was closely related to something I saw in an episode of The Office.

Red's real plan.

Fruit Fly, Don't Bother Me.

We are having a problem with fruit flies in the kitchen. They showed up and now they won't leave. Part of the problem is that I don't like to refrigerate my fruit so it ends up being readily available to them like little private breeding grounds. The second part of the problem might be that I don't do the dishes fast enough so they accumulate a little bit and the bugs get to them. I PROMISE I AM NOT A DISGUSTING PERSON!!!!

I know I could use fly papers but I used those in an apartment once and it just was creepy and gross, it was a sticky strip hanging from the light fixture with dead bugs in/on it. Not really the decor look I am going for. That option out, I looked up other ways to get rid of these little buggers*.

Wiki-how has an entire section devoted to "How To Ger Rid Of Fruit Flies" which would be great except for the fact that most of the "getting rid of" seems to be a "catch and release" program.

Just to be clear here, I don't have a baby penguin epidemic, nor do I have a horde of hedgehogs, I don't even have a bevy of hummingbirds in my house. I have disgusting little insects that just want to eat (and poop on) all my fresh fruit and vegetables.

I do not want to "catch and release". I don't need to tag their tiny little insect legs and free them into the wild. I don't need to safely transport them to a new safer location.

I want to exterminate them. I am looking for a "capture and destroy" method of "getting rid of", not a "hold it's hand and take it to the park" method.

If we're catching and releasing fruit flies, what's next? Humane ways to catch fleas? How to live with bed bugs?

CAPTURE AND DESTROY, PEOPLE, CAPTURE AND DESTROY.

Cheers,
Red

*buggers! Because they're BUGS! durhurhurhur...

The Scary-Scary Room

In our house we have what we call "The Scary-Scary Room". The Scary-Scary Room is located in our basement and is really just the utility room. When we moved in the room was AWFUL, hence the "Scary-Scary" moniker.

We (obviously) have problems with bats in the house and I'm pretty sure there are some mice as well. Apparently the utility room was a big hub of animal activity. The floor and all the surfaces were covered in animal droppings. A week ago, I went down and started cleaning it out down there. It then looked like this:

This is only the half of the room that doesn't house the water heater and boiler (we have hot water heat), but don't worry. The other half of the room is also a crisis.

While cleaning out the Scary-Scary Room, I found all (or at least most of) the original doors and windows from the house. The hinges and door knobs are gorgeous but the doors themselves are garbage. I'm not sure why the previous owner(s?) would even keep them, they're not good enough to use for anything. Later this week I'm going to take off the fixtures and get rid of the doors, it'll open up a HUGE area in the basement and hopefully I'll be able to use some of the old knobs on the current doors and bring back a little retro class!

The windows down there are a totally different story. There is NOTHING salvageable about them. I suppose I could use them for some sort of art project but that's really all they might be able to be used for. Again, why would the previous owner even keep them around??

I also found, what I find to be, a hideous Oriental rug. It doesn't seem to ever have been used, which is kind of weird. Just another question as to why it's still in there.

Next I found a miniature life jacket and two butterfly nets. These might be useful later when the mice start coming into the house in the winter... Actually, no, that life jacket will probably not ever be useful. 

We also have, as I mentioned in the last post, an additional toilet down there. Yes, a THIRD toilet chilling out down in the basement, but, no, we cannot be so lucky as to actually have it be hooked up in a secret third bathroom down there. So we just have another ugly, uncomfortable toilet (plus a fairly okay looking sink) taking up room in our house.

But finally, I will share the piece de resistance from the Scary-Scary Room. A paper bag entirely filled with buckeyes. Old, shriveled, some moldy, buckeyes. What would somebody DO with a bag of buckeyes?? I thought maybe they were saving them to eat them but AV says they are poisonous. Maybe some sort of ... craft project?? But they're all moldy so that wouldn't work..

So I decided to chuck them. I didn't want to hold them too close to my chest because of them being all nasty in there... Which was apparently not the best plan, because one corner I was holding tore. And then THIS happened:

So there were like a million molding buckeyes rolling around on the basement stairs. If it hadn't been for our buddies, the buckeyes would have just stayed in that little pile on that one stair. But alas, SOME PEOPLE thought that these little buggers were fabulous and spent the afternoon kicking them down the stairs.

It's a good thing there's no attic in this house, who knows what we'd find if we had one of those!!!

Cheers,

Red

Toilet Trauma

We have yet another small and obnoxious thing to add to our growing list of house repairs... This afternoon the toilet seat cracked in the downstairs bathroom.*

To make matters worse/more obnoxious the toilets currently installed in the house have round bowls instead of the more common (and way more comfortable) elongated bowls. So we will have to buy a round replacement seat which will be getting trashed/sold when we eventually get new (elongated!!!) toilets in the next couple of months.

And on a final obnoxious note, we actually have a spare THIRD toilet sitting in the utility room in the basement. It is ALSO a round bowl toilet BUT it DOESN'T HAVE A SEAT so I can't even use it to solve our current problem!

UGH.

Cheers,
Red

*I would post a photo but then you might see how disorganized we are and I can't let that happen!

Chipmunk Invasion

I have a confession to make. I spent a good five minutes* of my day today yelling at a chipmunk. We're working really hard on our house and I know chipmunks have a tendency to burrow and ruin stuff, so I wasn't exactly pleased to see this little buddy** scampering across the yard towards the house.

I was already not in the best mood and seeing a stripey tail bounding through the grass (he had to bound, we've yet to mow the lawn) did not cheer me up. The "buddy" ran straight for the house and slid under the back porch. That whole side of the house has cement walkways butted up against the house, so a single chipmunk probably couldn't do to much but I knew he must be the little scout looking for lodging for an entire chipmunk army.

Lined up in tiny little ranks, they'd march across the lawn... well probably bound since, again, we haven't mowed the grass. Each little chipmunk division would be led by a head chipmunk carrying a tiny little flag. They would drag behind them a miniature Trojan horse. They would ask for entry into my house. I would deny it. They would present me with the little wooden horse. I would accept it (can you blame me though? A tiny wooden horse! Made by chipmunks!). I would bring it into my home and little chipmunk archers would dash out. They would savagely attack my knees and ankles. Even the cats would be no match for their toothpick arrows. We would be defeated and the conquering army would move on to invade and destroy.

So, obviously I chased the "buddy" as he scampered under the porch deck. This particular chipmunk was either a very well trained soldier or he did not speak English; he did not even look nervous as I threatened to "grab you and squash your head".

This standoff lasted for a few minutes. Me squinting under the decking and him staring me down with beady rodent eyeballs. I continued to yell obscenities at him and he continued to not look nervous. He was sitting only a few feet from me and I contemplated grabbing him. While this was a tough decision to come to, I ultimately did not grab said chipmunk as I know they are wild animals and carry things like rabies, salmonella, botulism, and rheumatic fever.*** So instead I resorted back to yelling and making what would probably be considered "jazz hands" at it.

The chipmunk was, regretfully, not threatened by me in the slightest and may or may not have taken up residence under the front porch.

I expect so see teams of chipmunks pulling a tiny wooden horse any day now.

Cheers,
Red

*It was quite possibly ten minutes.
**"buddy" is not really the word I would use, but we're trying to keep this sh*t family friendly.
***I never lie. This is ALL true. Sometimes they also carry umbrellas.

Spam-a-licious Financial Decisions

I am waiting on an email from a job I applied to so I checked my spam folder to make sure it didn't get sent over there by mistake. It did not, but I do now have another lucrative opportunity:

"I request to channel a left over fund to your account for partnership investment under your inspection the sum of (6.7m) Six Million, Seven Hundred Thousand Dollar's) the said amount belongs to one of our foreign customer."

SOLD.

But, I also have a Plan B if that one doesn't work out: I can always buy/sell/trade some "MaxGentleman Enlargement Pills".

My only question is in regards to this comment: "The only Penis Enlargement pill PROVEN in clinical trials". Now, how would one run a trial of this type of supplement?

"Alright sir, now that I've used this tape measure to record the size of your 'Little Friend', take a couple of these and check out these complementary magazines. I'll be back in a few minutes to re-measure. " Or maybe they use time-lapse cameras like in those documentaries when you can watch flowers grow from seeds. Regretfully, those movies would probably not be nearly as spectacular as watching an entire field of daffodils bloom in fifteen seconds.

Cheers,
Red

Bat-Attack 2.0

Our current Bat in House Frequency is 2 per week.

AV and I were hanging out in the living room on Friday evening. All of a sudden we heard that chirping noise we've become so familiar with... I sighed and turned to AV. "Crap... There's another...."

WHOOSH. A bat flew through the double doors to the living room, followed closely by Kelly, once again on bat patrol. We watched as it circled the room, chirping.

I got off the couch and headed out into the house to find something to catch Bat2 in. I ducked as the bat flew over my head. I closed the doors behind me so the bat wouldn't escape further out into the house.

Pause story.
I CAN HEAR BATS IN THE WALLS RIGHT NOW.
Continue story.

As I was shutting the doors, AV crouched down beside the couch and stared at me with wild eyes. "What are you doing? Don't do that!"

But I shut the doors anyway. That'll teach you to not help me at four in the morning with the last bat! Too bad I forgot we have a transom and open gap over the doors in the living room, thus negating the effect of closing the doors...

Bat 2 sped through the gap over the door and landed on the curtains in the entry room. Apparently curtains are awesome bat hangouts...

AV came out of the living room and we located and emptied a box to catch Bat 2 in.

Bat in a box! ... Again...

Cheers,
Red

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh BAT(wo)MAN!

On Tuesday night, at 4:30am, or I suppose that would be Wednesday morning, I was awaken from a solid slumber by a chirping noise followed by a thumping. Obviously chirping/thumping noises are not exactly top of the "Common Nighttime Noises in My Bedroom" list so I was rather confused and completely terrified.

Like the crybaby I am, I woke up AV. We continued to listen to the chirping and thumping for a moment then both came to the sudden realization of "THAT'S A BAT". The chirping was the little guy's frightened crying and the thumping was Ned Kelly attempting to jump up, catch, and eat said little guy.

"Turn on the lights!" I requested and AV complied. The suddenly bright room was strangely quiet and bat free. I looked over the side of the bed to see Kelly staring back at my with pupils bigger than my head. He was in "Nighttime Hunter" mode and it was terrifying. AV came back to bed and pulled the covers up to his neck as I got out.

We had determined that the bat was in the curtains* and as Kelly snuffled around on the floor looking for it I tried to figure out how to flush a flying mammal out of the curtains without getting a bat in the face. As I stared at the curtains trying to locate the animal I noticed a small black triangle sticking off the top of the curtains (we have those kind of curtains that have a ruffle along the top, above the curtain rod). I stood on top of the bed for a better view and noticed the black triangle had a skinny toe attached to it.

Then it moved. Bat located.

I got down from the bed and turned  to AV. "What do I do??" I asked. He shrugged, "I donno", he responded as he snuggled deeper into the bed and pulled the blankets up to his neck.

I had been trying desperately to determine how to catch the bat ever since we had identified the initial noise. I knew there was a small butterfly net in the ceiling of the basement, but the image of myself dashing around the room  flailing a child's toy around after a terrified flying animal quickly made that particular course of action significantly less attractive.

"What do I do??" I asked AV again. Same response before. "I donno" and more snuggling. My hero....

I finally decided to capture the bat in a shoebox I'd been using as a garbage can. I dumped out the contents and slunk towards the curtains. I stopped when I realized I was much too short and wouldn't be able to scoop the bat into the box without being able to see it. "I'm not tall enough, I can't see it!" I called out to AV. "What do I do?" He just stared at me. I'm not sure why I bothered asking anymore.

I dashed into the office (its upstairs as well) and dumped out a plastic milk crate we were using for storage. I brought it back into the bedroom and climbed up.

As I listened to my heartbeat thundering in my head, I pulled down the edge of the curtain ruffle. I inched closer and closer to the little black triangle still sticking out of the top of the curtains. I finally folded the last bit of curtain down to reveal a little brown bat clinging desperately to the back side. I slid the box around him and pulled him off the curtains. A few little thumps were heard from the inside of the shoebox, but then it went quiet.

I turned back to AV, he was still snuggled in bed, ready to pull the covers over his head to deflect any wayward bats.

"Bat in a box!"** I croaked, my voice high and squeaky, full of terrified adrenaline.

I started to scamper downstairs with my bat-filled shoebox. It wasn't until I was halfway down the stairs that I realized: I'm in my underwear; I have to go outside now.

Cheers,
Red

PS. Stay tuned for AV's "Bat(wo)man Rebuttal". Apparently there's another side to this story...

*We heard the chirping noise coming from the curtains after we turned the lights on. As it turns out, locating the bat was actually just a lucky guess as the "chirping" in the curtain was really a sound coming from the air conditioning unit in the window.

**This is a reference to an SNL skit. NSFW: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZLIQodHaFk

Internet Connected!

We finally got the internet all hooked up and running in the office! Next step it to get the wireless set up so we can be overly connected as normal.

But this means that I have loads of stories to share!

Cheers,
Red

We're down to the wire...

Our lease ends tomorrow. We still need to do a bit of cleaning and get the rest of our stuff out of the house.

This consists of:
A stack of 2x4's
A half of a piece of plywood
Three pairs of shoes
A lawn mower
A mountain bike
A dirt bike
Safety gear for said dirt bike
Cleaning products
A box of insect repellent
A rake
Two brooms
Three vacuums (yes all three really are necessary)
Other small pieces of wood
A kitchen trash can
Two rolls of wrapping paper

Where we are going to put these things in the new house I do not know...

Cheers,
Red

Move, move, move....

We're still in the process of moving.

There are boxes scattered across the new house, trash and scattered things (both incredibly important and not so much so) across the old house. There's stuff in both our cars, in the old garage, out on the porch, and a bit in the yard. I'm not quite sure how we managed to acquire all this stuff, but we did and it has most definitely been a b*tch to move it all.

Our lease at the old house ends on Thursday so we have to have it all cleaned up and moved into the new one. The countdown is getting into the final moments so I guess we need to kick up our game.

I'm currently at the public library looking up internet plans. We still have no internet hookup at the new house, the last check box in terms of utilities.  Not to worry, when I finally get connected, I have many stories and photos to share, so just stay patient!

Cheers,
Red

US $18.000,000!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings!

I  receive your name from my government of (country I have never been to, and ususally haven't heard of). Recently your relative (name not even remotely similar to me or my family ancestory) died/was killed in unfortunate accident/was lost in natural disastor. S/he placed a large amount of money, US $18.000,000 (what number is this even? Why are there periods and commas in it?) in my bank and listed you in her/his will. To collect your money, all I need from you is your name, address and phone number (but.. if I was really listed in their will, wouldn't you have AT LEAST my name???).

I look forward to work with you!

(Totally gibberish looking foreign name with no contact information)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am so unlucky.... This month alone, I have lost a "relative" to the Japanese tsunami, old age, old age again, and possibly kidnapping. But on the upside, apparently I will be receiving millions of (US!) dollars because I was in their will/no one was specified as benificiary.

I wonder what I should buy first?? Maybe a yaht? Ohh, how about a vacation home, or three? Private jet? I just don't even know how to start spending these millions!

I'm sure handing out my social security number, bank account number, routing number, and sending them a check for "transaction costs" is totally legit. What could possibly go wrong???

Cheers,
Red

Fantastic Ugtastic: Rewind Edition

As gorgeous as our lovely kitties are, sometimes... they're not.

We'll be featuring a "Fantastic Ugtastic" photo post featuring our beautiful boys in abnormally ugly poses. Sadly, these photos will not be retouched, edited, or posed in anyway....

Keep reading to see our buddies in all their natural hideous glory!

Baby Kelly: Gremlin piglet edition

Baby Jess: Poop on it! Technically he was jumping from one chair arm to another, but the photo is pretty ugly...

Young Skip: The creepy old Chinese man

Stay tuned for furure "Fantastic Ugtastic" posts! Get excited, we have some really ugly sleepers in our house!

Cheers!
Red

Dissaproving Jame-o dissaproves.

Mousebreath, ooh-ha-ha!

I received a gift the other day. A gift in the form of a small, convulsing mouse carcass. Which, of course, as a good mama-kitty I had to "eat". Yumm...

I was having a boring/indecisive day yesterday. I looked at my credit card statement for this month. We bought some furniture so my statement is twice, almost three times, the size it normally is and that makes me nervous. So I determined that this is not a good month for me to go and pick up random stuff from the fabric store (cue sad face). That decided, my main plan of the day (running errands) was out of the picture and I had nothing to do.

I did some house chores and sat down on the couch in the living room to read a book. Kelly came to visit me a couple of times, hopping into my lap, shedding, and drooling happily all over the couch. Having fulfilled his "touch me now" quota of the day, he left the couch and sprawled across the floor.

I was absorbed in my book when I heard a small chirp/click/mew noise. When I looked at Kelly, he was staring sleepily across the living room. I folded down the footrest on the couch to see... Daniel.

He was standing in the middle of the room with something in his mouth. A toy, but not one I had seen before. No, not a toy, a frog? How did a frog get in my house? Wait... Frogs don't have tails....

As I started to stand, he dropped the thing in his mouth onto the floor. I realized the "in his mouth thing" was not a toy or a frog but a probably traumatized, definitely injured, probably dead field mouse.

Like the good cat mother I am, I cooed and thanked Daniel for his lovely gift, all the while screaming
"OMG EWEWEWEWEW" in my head. I scurried to the laundry room in search of a paper towel to clean up the used-to-be mouse. I moved as fast as I could since I wasn't sure if the mouse was or was not going to reincarnate itself in the middle of my living room and take up residence within my couch cushions.

I removed the thing from the carpet and, still cooing thanks to Daniel, I took it out to the trash. When I came back inside both Kelly and Daniel were intently studying a small area of carpet. Of course this made me slightly nervous, but since I couldn't see anything there I slowly went back to reading my book.

Our darling Daniel apparently has some secret skills.

The proud hunter, Mousebreath

Mousebreath, ooh-ha-ha!

Cheers,
Red

GOOD MORNING!!

I don't normally wake up when AV gets up to go to work, but I did this morning. I think he was making more noise than usual.

This is most likely the case as he woke up to find that Daniel had PEED on his pillow which had fallen on the floor.

WTF.

I JUST cleaned out the kitty litter last night. There's nothing abnormal going on to freak him out. Did he get pissed about the cat pee on the library book?

WTF I'm so mad.

Anybody want a slightly-used cat? Going cheap!

Cheers... kinda...
Red

O_o

I got a book from the library the other day. It seemed to have coffee spilled on the corner. No big deal, just some wrinkling and discolored pages.

I had the book sitting on the end table from earlier this afternoon when I brought it in from the car. A little while ago, Daniel became strangely interested in the coffee table. And, since Daniel is the "pee-er", it makes me veeeery nervous when he gets interested in stuff.

I moved him a couple of times, but he kept coming back. He actually hissed and bit AV when he tried to put him on the floor. Finally, I figured out that there was something up with the books on the table. So I moved the top book. He was still acting weird. Something occured to me... I opened the book and smelled it.

It wasn't coffee that was "spilled" on the book. It was cat pee.

Somebody's cat* had taken a leak on the corner of the book. Daniel smelled the unfamiliar pee and started wigging out.

So, like the good cat-mother I am, I took all the library books (pee-book included) and put them in my car. Then I Lysol-ed the end table and the bookshelf where I had put the book before taking it outside.

The LAST thing I need is the cat to pee all over a stack of library books, EVEN THOUGH some OTHER cat had ALREADY done it.

Like I had to tell the kindergarteners, "even if somebody else did it to you first, you're still going to get in trouble if you do it back to them".

Please, please don't pee on my books....

Cheers,
Red

*OMG, IT'S NOT US THIS TIME!!

Nope, Nope!

Quick recap: AV and I went to Grand Rapids to see the fireworks and We the Kings in (free!!) concert for the Fourth of July.

We couldn't actually SEE hardly any of the fireworks though, because whoever was in charge thought that low exploding fireworks would work out a-okay. Sure, those would be superb in a big 'ole field. Too bad they were less than spectacular in the middle of a sea of office buildings. Any-hoo... After the concert there was, as we found out later, a shooting in a nearby parking lot. The streets were clogged with traffic, ambulances, police cars, and pedestrians so we decided to wander around for a bit before attempting to get back to the car.

Grand Rapids isn't all that big of a city and, at close to midnight on the Fourth of July, there wasn't much open. There were a few bars near where we were but AV had to work the next day so we couldn't go for drinks or anything, so we just wandered. I didn't want to go too far from the city center late at night and we ended up at the courthouse. Lights were on in the lobby and AV thought it looked interesting so we headed over.

We peeped in the windows and I pointed out all the illuminated red "Exit" signs at the stairwells. We stood around for a bit at the corner (the courthouse is on an intersection) and, since I was only wearing a tank-top, I complained about being cold. AV stood behind me and started picking on me.

He grabbed me in a backward bear-hug and while I wiggled and squirmed and complained of the cold, he pulled out a ring.

"Will you marry me?"

I snatched up the ring, and, like the difficult child I am, I chirped out "Nope!"



Cheers,
Red

Fourth of July Festivities

AV had some friends up for the Fourth of July. They arrived late Thursday night and were planning to leave around lunch Monday (July 4). We did the normal "visiting Michigan" type of activities, or at least, normal for people we know. We went shopping at the thrift stores, we went to the beach, we had bonfires, and we went kayaking. A pretty solid weekend.

I found out that the town we live in has a Fourth of July parade and I wanted to go. We went to the Christmas parade and it was a pretty fun time, so I figured the Fourth of July parade would be larger. I was correct. The parade lasted about an hour with all the normal parade type things. You know... dogs in costumes, scary clowns, kids on decorated bikes, the Asparagus Queen. It was a good time and there were a bunch of antique automobiles, which I always love.

After AV's friends left, we watched a movie (okay, AV watched, I took a nap) and headed down to Grand Rapids. Grand Rapids was supposed to also have a huge parade and then a series of free concerts leading up to the fireworks and a concert by We the Kings.

The parade was not as big/exciting as the parade where we live, but it did have a few awesome bits. Mainly the "float" from the Public Museum. It was an antique truck with a self playing organ in the bed.

LOVE IT.

After the parade we watched a bit of the free concert in Rosa Park Circle in front of the art museum. The first band was fairly terrible... They were clearly still in, or just out of, high school and it showed. You couldn't hear the vocals, what you could hear was poorly written, and the music was not so subtly "borrowed" from other popular bands. The next band, thankfully!, was much better. Not wanting to get sucked into the third band's performance, we headed to dinner at the Asian restaurant up the street.

We've been to this restaurant before, and while the food is EXCELLENT, the service is TERRIBLE. We're not strangers to this type of behavior though, so at this point we pretty much just accept it. And again, the food itself was wonderful, so I guess I can't complain too much?

We went back to the free concerts where each band got progressively better than the last. We watched the bands as well as what we came to refer to as "Creepy Drug Addict Guy". There was a big black guy dancing around in the "lawn" area of the park. He wasn't dancing in the normal sense... He was dancing... like a creepy drug addict. Every so often he would lean over and appear to begin to pass out. It was pretty terrifying.

There was an additional creepy dude with a giant bubble wand. He was on the other side of the park from us but the bubbles rose up over the crowd and it looked awesome.

Gigantic bubbles!

We also watched someone paint a painting. Again, it was on the other side of the park so we didn't really get to watch, but I saw the end result. He had painted the Statue of Liberty and a sunset sky. That would be pretty awesome on it's own, but it was made more awesome by the fact that he was painting the piece on one of those spinny canvases!

This is just some random guy on YouTube, but this is the type of canvas the painter in the park was using.

The last bit of entertainment we witnessed was a set of siblings who had balloon hats. Earlier in the night a different sibling was playing with one of the hats, attempting to catch the end of the hat as it sat on his head. He looked exactly like a donkey with a carrot on a string. Later his brother (or possibly cousin) decided this activity was worth trying out.

heeheeeheeeeee



Finally it was time for the fireworks! I was wondering if we should go somewhere else but there were gaps between the buildings and we assumed that you would be able to see the fireworks between and over the buildings. Nope. We started walking (along with thousands of other people) towards the river. Somehow the river was much further away than we expected and we seemed to be missing most, if not all, of the fireworks. I didn't want to wander too far from the park though, because We the Kings were supposed to come on right after the fireworks. So we tried a couple of places, all to no avail. We stopped with the rest of the crowds, in the middle of the street, to watch. Too bad you could only see about half of every other firework. It was terribly dissapointing.

Instead of missing out on everything, we headed back to the park to get a good spot to watch We the Kings. I got what I thought was a good spot. As it turns out, the park (which is also used as an iceskating rink in the winter) has no incline in front of the concert shell. So, while I was very close to the band, I couldn't see anything. And, to add insult to injury, some guy who was probably like a hundred feet tall kept trying to push in front of me. But, the music was good.

There was no encore which we thought was strange, but we started heading to the car. We noticed flashing lights and sirens. There were police cars at the park now, and the officers were using the megaphones to tell people to "PLEASE LEAVE THE ROSA PARK AREA". I thought this was really rude, the concert had just ended, there was no way we would be able to get out of the city yet with all those people about, so why couldn't we stick around the park area? But the police were insistant. So we started to wander about.

As it turns out, we were made to leave the area because two people were shot in a fight. I guess that's why there was no encore...

And then... something else happened. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow to read about it!

Cheers,

Red

Officially Official!

We are now officially engaged!

He liked it so he put a ring on it. And I've got the bling to prove it.

Each side has four little diamonds on it, so there's a total of nine stones on the ring. The top of the ring has two Celtic knots, one on either side of the center diamond. AV choose that setting as Celtic knots have no end, they go on "fover". The center stone is an Asscher cut, or Square Emerald cut. This type of cut allows the most light refraction so the diamond is the most "glittery".

I'm so happy/excited/thrilled!

Cheers,
Red

Weed Whack-ccident

I learned something very interesting today. If you are attempting to make very small trenches, a weed whacker works excellently. Obviously this isn't the intended purpose of said appliance, but put one in my very capable* hands and you've got trench-city.

Apparently, well not really "apparently" since I already knew this, when you use a tool with a running motor, it changes its perceived weight as you move it about. Two key components to utilizing a weed whacker are a running motor and moving it about. As it would seem, my strong and beefy** arms were not exactly up to this task today.

I tried using the weed whacker the other day but I couldn't get it started. I determined it was an a**hole and gave up.

AV showed me how to start it again yesterday evening so I tried again today. I was planning on doing this later, but the sky suddenly clouded over and I freaked out; AV's having friends up for the Fourth and I don't want my house to look like a total piece of crap***.

Three tries and the a**hole starts right up. I headed around the back of the house to get started. I pulled the trigger and pointed the whack-y part at the weeds growing in between the stones. Nothing happened. I let out more string. Nothing happened. I leaned sideways too far and dropped the head of the weed whacker into the ground. Something happened.

Little bits of grass and weed whacker string sprayed over my entire lower body. Then dirt. A lot of dirt. I jerked the weed whacker back up and, while the path was now free of weeds, it was also free of fill between the stones.

I kept working.

I managed to dig five more trenches, drop the "blades" into the good**** grass and tear it all out, and do an overall excellent***** job.

I put the weed whacker away and surveyed my work. Ah yes, I see a job in landscaping in my future.

I am an artist. I echo the natural variations of human life and personality with my work in grass clipping. The long grasses symbolize humans' natural curiosity and desires. The medium length grass is a symbol for our work ethic and normalcy and the short grass, of course are the outliers, the misfits and outcasts.******

Cheers,
Red



*totally worthless
**tiny and slightly embarrassing
***I don't want them to know how lazy and disorganized we really are
****I say "good" because there's actually some there. We don't get a lot of rain and the soil is super sandy so the grass is awkward and sparse at best.

***** piss poor

****** No, dude... I'm just really bad at cutting the lawn.

Can you give a cat the heimlich maneuver?

This is an important question as I watch Jame-o dance and coo in the living room as he attempts to murder a pony bead.

AV's mom gave the catlings an Easter basket filled with little plastic eggs. Each of the eggs either had a couple of beads in them or a little furry mouse. Since April, we have effectively lost all six of the little mice somewhere into the netherworlds of Under-The-Couch-Land and/or Behind-The-Kitchen-Appliances-Ville. Somehow all of the pony beads have escaped this particular fate and are seen, from time to time, lounging in the shag carpeting lying in wait of bare feet to impale.

Over the last few days, Jess has decided these pony beads are worthy adversaries and has spent the last half hour of every evening tormenting them. This is not necessarily the part that worries me. The part that worries me is when I hear the bead clicking against his little pointy cat teeth as he sits on his furry butt and chomps at them. Apparently just chewing at them isn't good enough, and he has to also sway back and forth and/or jump up and down as he munches.

I'm terrified he's somehow going inhale one of those little buggers.... And then what? Cats can choke can't they? How do you even get something out of their tiny little windpipes? Can you heimlich them? CPR? Its not like I have a little kitty AED set up anywhere. Although I suppose he would probably just hack a bit then barf on my carpet.

Maybe I should go pick all those things up...

Cheers,
Red

Appetizing Gnomes

My terrible spelling self was trying to look up how to spell "hors-d'oeuvre". You'd think that with six years of french I'd be able to spell it... but I can't. At all. So much so that Dictionary.com gave me these options for what I might be looking for:

Yes, one of the options is "House elves". From Harry Potter.

Cheers,
Red

Oh, Internet, You So Silly!!

I was just looking at our stats for the blog and I noticed I wasn't familiar with some of the sites which have been referring* readers to us.

For all time, the sites which have referred readers to this blog are as follows:

So let's look through them, shall we?

Facebook - I sent some links through the messaging platform. Okay, that makes sense.
AVandRed- That's this blog, I didn't know it counted to refer to ourselves, but okay...
Yahoo mail - I emailed some links via email. Good that checks out.
OffbeatBride.com - I'm a member here and the blog is linked in my profile. Makes sense.
Pingywebedition - Well, apparently this little buddy here is spam, so sad :( (explained here: http://elbadaernu.blogspot.com/2010/12/referrer-spam.html)

Now, the last referred, highlighted in orange (red?) in my photo...

Against all my better internet judgement, I clicked on the referring site link in my statistics page. I figured it must be some other blog or something? Honestly, I wasn't thinking about much, I was just like "wtf is this link, I don't know you..?" (when you're thinking this, it should be a red flag in terms of clicking on things...)

The page loaded and my screen was filled with naked women with spread legs. .... "Amateur Porn" read the top of the page. MY EYES!! I'VE BEEN TRICKED!!!

And I still don't even know why (or IF) our blog is being referred from there!

Cheers, and I'm going to go ahead and do a virus scan now,
Red

* Usually this means that this site has a link to (in this case) our blog somewhere